click together my arse

At the weekend I decided to lay some laminate floor in the new conservatory. I know, how posh am I having a greenhouse nailed onto the back of the house.

Anyway in a bid to keep on budget my financial advisor Mrs L and I, plumped for B&Q's finest, ecologically friendliest, (cheapest) click together laminate flooring. I've got some experience of laminate, I watched my mate Tys do the whole ground floor of my house when we first moved in. I didn't just watch I also made the tea and told him where it didn't look right.

So I prepared the room swept the floor laid down the cyber ninja three in one moisture membrane/thermal insulation/acoustic attenuation sheeting. A bit like thick bin bag but 20 pound a roll and yes you need a second roll just so you can cut a final tiny piece out and leave the rest in the garage. Then according to the instructions the easy bit, laying the easy click together flooring. What a bunch of lying bastards. The first row is a doddle they click together end to end then you cut the last plank to fit. The next row however is like trying to stick an umbrella up your arse whilst it's open. You get one end of the 4 meter long strip to click in, go the other end lift it up to click it in and bingo the first end pops out...fuckbeans! After a few minutes of this I got really angry and started using some choice language. It appears that these warped and wobbly boards are engineered with all the high precision tolerance of a Hong Kong made rubber dog turd.

I struggled on anyway, at times it took all four members of the house to support the long row of planks and try to get them to click. Eventually I got it sussed and made a breakthrough. Enter the big fuck off hammer. Using the old fashioned tongue and groove technique I found that a liberal application of a good battering I could finally persuade the buggers to stick together so much for clicking.

So now 2 days later I've got a nice even floor a pair of knackered red old knees and the odd squashed finger. Ah well that's DIY for you.

At least I've got my wifes unwavering admiration for a few day's until she starts calling me the elephant man again, but that's another story.