I'm still around.

to this
Originally uploaded by littlevurt.

Haven't done much for a while. As I've been stuck in a rut at the biscuit factory. It's okay though as we've been seperated now and the rut has been sacked for lewd conduct in a factory environment.

However I did bake this tremendous cake. Banana and walnut delicious. I also ate most of it as the kids decided they don't like walnuts.


I've not had much to write about as I've been feeling a bit un-inspired recently. Maybe I need to broaden my horizons to stimulate my interest. I could possibly take up para-gliding, or maybe just make some scones that'll be easier. Actually it's easier to just buy scones and eat them. Mmmmmm scones

I'll be back as that Arnold bloke used to say.

monkey bollocks

Well as I initially suspected my foreign biscuit making course was a complete pile of monkey bollocks.

Although it wasn't as depressing as I thought it would be, we did actually make some real biscuits whilst there. It was kind of stupid practicing making biscuits with one hand tied behind your back but what are you going to do.

The accommodation would make a drunken gypsy turn up his nose, but after a week living in an 8 man bin bag you kind of get used to it. We had some dodgy washing facilities there as well, it kind of defeated the object of having a shower when you had to wade through a 2 inch deep lake of typhoid infected pissy waste water every time you got in and out of said shower. I got athletes foot so bad I wanted to scratch my little toes with a chainsaw.

The food was ok, the quality varied from "excellent" to "what's this green shite supposed to be?" It's a good job I've been trained to eat things that would make a billy goat puke (like Di's cooking)

Still I'm back now and having had a week off work I tried to grow a goatee beard. Unfortunately it's a really poor effort, a kind of quasi-ginger wispy affair. Dunno why it's so crap I must have low testosterone, all that wanking is taking it's toll.

I spotted this little lego jihadi bloke on flickr thought it was cool.

Keep on trucking. I'll be back after my holidays

weekly stuff

Well It's my last day before I go on my biscuit practice course in Kraplakistan. I'm not looking forward to it, apparently to save money the company are putting us all up at a tented gypsy caravan site, deep joy.

I've started packing my stuff and I can't believe how much dunnage I've got to take. The recommended kitting list has filled my bags twice over and I've still got to find room for my own stuff. I'm not looking forward to this. I'm even going to miss my birthday, I'll probably end up drinking potato wine and having a luxury pot noodle for my tea. What a great birthday I will make up for it when I get back.

A quick note about the picture above I saw this at my local tesco's and thought that's what I call customer service. I don't know what kind of fat get needs a jcb to move their shopping but good luck to them.

Well I'm off for a few weeks so I'll see you when I see you. I will be contactable by mobile phone in the evening, special english rip-off mobile roaming rates will apply.

click together my arse

At the weekend I decided to lay some laminate floor in the new conservatory. I know, how posh am I having a greenhouse nailed onto the back of the house.

Anyway in a bid to keep on budget my financial advisor Mrs L and I, plumped for B&Q's finest, ecologically friendliest, (cheapest) click together laminate flooring. I've got some experience of laminate, I watched my mate Tys do the whole ground floor of my house when we first moved in. I didn't just watch I also made the tea and told him where it didn't look right.

So I prepared the room swept the floor laid down the cyber ninja three in one moisture membrane/thermal insulation/acoustic attenuation sheeting. A bit like thick bin bag but 20 pound a roll and yes you need a second roll just so you can cut a final tiny piece out and leave the rest in the garage. Then according to the instructions the easy bit, laying the easy click together flooring. What a bunch of lying bastards. The first row is a doddle they click together end to end then you cut the last plank to fit. The next row however is like trying to stick an umbrella up your arse whilst it's open. You get one end of the 4 meter long strip to click in, go the other end lift it up to click it in and bingo the first end pops out...fuckbeans! After a few minutes of this I got really angry and started using some choice language. It appears that these warped and wobbly boards are engineered with all the high precision tolerance of a Hong Kong made rubber dog turd.

I struggled on anyway, at times it took all four members of the house to support the long row of planks and try to get them to click. Eventually I got it sussed and made a breakthrough. Enter the big fuck off hammer. Using the old fashioned tongue and groove technique I found that a liberal application of a good battering I could finally persuade the buggers to stick together so much for clicking.

So now 2 days later I've got a nice even floor a pair of knackered red old knees and the odd squashed finger. Ah well that's DIY for you.

At least I've got my wifes unwavering admiration for a few day's until she starts calling me the elephant man again, but that's another story.

midweek report

It's been a busy week this week at the biscuit factory where I work. We are putting some hours in, but at least we are making lots of lovely biscuits.

What really grinds my gears is the biscuit training course coming up next month. The powers that be have decided that we need to practice making biscuits, even though that's what we do all the time. So it seems we've got to move to another temporary factory miles away. We must go there for a few weeks and make some biscuits. However because it's a training course we're not going to make real biscuits we are just going to arse around making biscuits out of play doh, glitter and dog turds (just like the biscuits from Aldi) and then at the end we are going to chuck them all in the bin. I could understand if we pretended to make different biscuits maybe ginger nuts, but no we'll just make custard creams as usual, but only pretending obviously.

Meanwhile those people left back at the real factory have got to work even harder to make up for us losers on the course. So the real biscuit factory is not running as well as it should for a few weeks. I hope there isn't a sudden surge in the demand for custard creams or we will be knackered.

seperated at birth

Here are 2 pictures 1 is Karl Pilkington and the other an impostor called Gary.

Can you spot the difference?

Ricky Gervais - Extras

I've been overloading on Ricky Gervais these last few weeks. Between his hilarious podcasts (with the secret weapon that is the genius Karl Pilkington), the American version of 'the office' which really starts to grow on you, when you get used to the new faces and of course the latest series of extras.

Extras is just brilliantly funny, I love the way the writing manages to make some really cutting jokes but it wraps them up so well that they don't jar you. It's the subtle way that the characters and often celebrities make the comments it's hard to find them offensive even though they are having a pop at homosexuals or the BBC. Usually you'd be hung for that sort of stuff.

Orlando Bloom was good with a great comedy portrayal of himself as a vein hollywood star obsessed with his looks and a bitter hatred for Johnny Depp.

The whole cast is excellent and I love 'Barry' from Eastenders.

I wish they would give Karl a part in the show that would be sweet.