I need a wii wii

I had my first play with the nintendo wii this weekend, and what can I say It's really good fun.

Thanks to Glenn, my little leprechaun gadget fiend friend, who always gets the newest games and gadgets straight away (ie spoilt bastard :)). I had a few hours play on his wii, he had wii sports, wii play, raving rabbids and zelda.

Okay first impressions are ooh this feels really weird, followed by wow this is so cool why has it taken so long for someone to come up with this idea.

The controller is great it's really responsive, a big concern of mine was whether it would actually feel right, this was put to rest as it does feel and respond well.

The unit itself is tiny and much like the ds lite it feels very "apple" like in its design and packaging, that's no bad thing.

The mini games are great the graphics are very simple and stylized but lets face it it's all about the interface and the wii-mote rocks. It's worth buying one just as a bowling simulator for parties at home. You really do have to use your body particularly your arms to play some of these games, I don't think it'll be long before the first blimp sized yank files a lawsuit for making him tired or giving them a heart attack

I will definitely be considering one of these as a second console if Diane considered such a thing feasible in this house. Actually that's rubbish as we've already got 4 games machines in use already. So let's just make it 5.

Just remember to keep tight hold of the controller or you might end up like the picture above.

christmas is coming

Well it's now officially December and I have to admit I'm quite excited about Xmas this year. As long as they don't bugger about with the shift system at the biscuit factory things should work out really well.

The three main reasons I'm looking forward to Xmas are, in no particular order these:

1.) I'm getting an Xbox360 with gears of war, I really can't wait to play this. Sometimes I find myself lying awake at night thinking about this. Makes a change from naked girls covered in trifle.

2.) The Doctor Who Xmas special, yes I am self confessed nerd and I really can't wait to see this. I've seen some of the leaked footage on youtube and it looked amazing. I love it when they do those tardis flying around on earth shots, like in last years special. The clip I saw just looked so exciting, I can't wait. I'm looking forward to xmas evening with a full belly, a glass of wine, bottle of lager, glass of port, peanuts, turkey drumstick and sprout butty in hand. Surrounded by broken toys and watching Doctor Who with the family.

3.) We've got a full house here for Xmas, my mum and dad are down for Xmas day and Di's parents will be joining them here for Boxing day. For me christmas has always been about family and when you look back on your life xmas days are like little islands in the fog of my appalling crap memory. I hope these days will live on in my kids memories like my past chrimbo's do for me.

I have to admit a guilty secret here, I have quite enjoyed this series of I'm a celebrity. Although I've watched most of it whilst peering over the top of my macbook it's been really funny. David Gest was hilarious and so was that little gay fella fighting with that scary black girl. She was as hard as nails, I had visions of her killing one of the celebrities and eating them, I don't mean that in a racist crappy cannibal joke way I just mean she was so single minded and mentally tough I didn't think she would let anything stop her from winning and boy could she eat.

The bush tucker trials are disgustingly funny. Although I think they went a bit over the top on the first one, that's probably why they refused. To be honest I don't see what is so scary about eating crocodile eyes, kangaroo's bumholes, nobs and balls. I've been eating iceland sausages for years and they taste alright to me.

See you soon, I'm off to Iceland. I'm not really that Kerry Katona has completely re-branded them as a major chav brand now. I couldn't believe the ad where she points at a table with some sausage rolls and trifle on and says, "I didn't think I was rich enough, posh enough or clever enough to have a dinner party. But now thanks to Iceland blah blah blah etc...".

I'm sorry but if cooking some sausage rolls and opening a trifle means that your rich, posh and clever then I must be Joe Billionaire, The Duke of Edinborough and Stephen Hawking all rolled into one because I could do all of that and even throw in some custard, a cup of tea and maybe some chocolate hob-nobs. Roll on the good times.

I'm still around.

to this
Originally uploaded by littlevurt.

Haven't done much for a while. As I've been stuck in a rut at the biscuit factory. It's okay though as we've been seperated now and the rut has been sacked for lewd conduct in a factory environment.

However I did bake this tremendous cake. Banana and walnut delicious. I also ate most of it as the kids decided they don't like walnuts.


I've not had much to write about as I've been feeling a bit un-inspired recently. Maybe I need to broaden my horizons to stimulate my interest. I could possibly take up para-gliding, or maybe just make some scones that'll be easier. Actually it's easier to just buy scones and eat them. Mmmmmm scones

I'll be back as that Arnold bloke used to say.

monkey bollocks

Well as I initially suspected my foreign biscuit making course was a complete pile of monkey bollocks.

Although it wasn't as depressing as I thought it would be, we did actually make some real biscuits whilst there. It was kind of stupid practicing making biscuits with one hand tied behind your back but what are you going to do.

The accommodation would make a drunken gypsy turn up his nose, but after a week living in an 8 man bin bag you kind of get used to it. We had some dodgy washing facilities there as well, it kind of defeated the object of having a shower when you had to wade through a 2 inch deep lake of typhoid infected pissy waste water every time you got in and out of said shower. I got athletes foot so bad I wanted to scratch my little toes with a chainsaw.

The food was ok, the quality varied from "excellent" to "what's this green shite supposed to be?" It's a good job I've been trained to eat things that would make a billy goat puke (like Di's cooking)

Still I'm back now and having had a week off work I tried to grow a goatee beard. Unfortunately it's a really poor effort, a kind of quasi-ginger wispy affair. Dunno why it's so crap I must have low testosterone, all that wanking is taking it's toll.

I spotted this little lego jihadi bloke on flickr thought it was cool.

Keep on trucking. I'll be back after my holidays

weekly stuff

Well It's my last day before I go on my biscuit practice course in Kraplakistan. I'm not looking forward to it, apparently to save money the company are putting us all up at a tented gypsy caravan site, deep joy.

I've started packing my stuff and I can't believe how much dunnage I've got to take. The recommended kitting list has filled my bags twice over and I've still got to find room for my own stuff. I'm not looking forward to this. I'm even going to miss my birthday, I'll probably end up drinking potato wine and having a luxury pot noodle for my tea. What a great birthday I will make up for it when I get back.

A quick note about the picture above I saw this at my local tesco's and thought that's what I call customer service. I don't know what kind of fat get needs a jcb to move their shopping but good luck to them.

Well I'm off for a few weeks so I'll see you when I see you. I will be contactable by mobile phone in the evening, special english rip-off mobile roaming rates will apply.

click together my arse

At the weekend I decided to lay some laminate floor in the new conservatory. I know, how posh am I having a greenhouse nailed onto the back of the house.

Anyway in a bid to keep on budget my financial advisor Mrs L and I, plumped for B&Q's finest, ecologically friendliest, (cheapest) click together laminate flooring. I've got some experience of laminate, I watched my mate Tys do the whole ground floor of my house when we first moved in. I didn't just watch I also made the tea and told him where it didn't look right.

So I prepared the room swept the floor laid down the cyber ninja three in one moisture membrane/thermal insulation/acoustic attenuation sheeting. A bit like thick bin bag but 20 pound a roll and yes you need a second roll just so you can cut a final tiny piece out and leave the rest in the garage. Then according to the instructions the easy bit, laying the easy click together flooring. What a bunch of lying bastards. The first row is a doddle they click together end to end then you cut the last plank to fit. The next row however is like trying to stick an umbrella up your arse whilst it's open. You get one end of the 4 meter long strip to click in, go the other end lift it up to click it in and bingo the first end pops out...fuckbeans! After a few minutes of this I got really angry and started using some choice language. It appears that these warped and wobbly boards are engineered with all the high precision tolerance of a Hong Kong made rubber dog turd.

I struggled on anyway, at times it took all four members of the house to support the long row of planks and try to get them to click. Eventually I got it sussed and made a breakthrough. Enter the big fuck off hammer. Using the old fashioned tongue and groove technique I found that a liberal application of a good battering I could finally persuade the buggers to stick together so much for clicking.

So now 2 days later I've got a nice even floor a pair of knackered red old knees and the odd squashed finger. Ah well that's DIY for you.

At least I've got my wifes unwavering admiration for a few day's until she starts calling me the elephant man again, but that's another story.

midweek report

It's been a busy week this week at the biscuit factory where I work. We are putting some hours in, but at least we are making lots of lovely biscuits.

What really grinds my gears is the biscuit training course coming up next month. The powers that be have decided that we need to practice making biscuits, even though that's what we do all the time. So it seems we've got to move to another temporary factory miles away. We must go there for a few weeks and make some biscuits. However because it's a training course we're not going to make real biscuits we are just going to arse around making biscuits out of play doh, glitter and dog turds (just like the biscuits from Aldi) and then at the end we are going to chuck them all in the bin. I could understand if we pretended to make different biscuits maybe ginger nuts, but no we'll just make custard creams as usual, but only pretending obviously.

Meanwhile those people left back at the real factory have got to work even harder to make up for us losers on the course. So the real biscuit factory is not running as well as it should for a few weeks. I hope there isn't a sudden surge in the demand for custard creams or we will be knackered.

seperated at birth

Here are 2 pictures 1 is Karl Pilkington and the other an impostor called Gary.

Can you spot the difference?

Ricky Gervais - Extras

I've been overloading on Ricky Gervais these last few weeks. Between his hilarious podcasts (with the secret weapon that is the genius Karl Pilkington), the American version of 'the office' which really starts to grow on you, when you get used to the new faces and of course the latest series of extras.

Extras is just brilliantly funny, I love the way the writing manages to make some really cutting jokes but it wraps them up so well that they don't jar you. It's the subtle way that the characters and often celebrities make the comments it's hard to find them offensive even though they are having a pop at homosexuals or the BBC. Usually you'd be hung for that sort of stuff.

Orlando Bloom was good with a great comedy portrayal of himself as a vein hollywood star obsessed with his looks and a bitter hatred for Johnny Depp.

The whole cast is excellent and I love 'Barry' from Eastenders.

I wish they would give Karl a part in the show that would be sweet.

Back To Work

This week at work I had to sit through a 1 hour presentation on 'sexual harassment in the workplace'. It was really just a bit of common sense wrapped up in a load of male bashing crap.

Apparently all men are just leering, swearing, violent, macho idiots who only look at women as sex objects. Not a bad assessment I suppose. I've been called worse. It's pretty condescending to be told you shouldn't touch girls bottoms at work or make comments about their breasts. No matter how special they are. I mean is there anybody out there who thinks it is acceptable to go up your boss and wobble her breasts? If you can do this then you probably work in the porn industry.

I look at it the other way, if a little gay fella turned up at work and told me I had a cute botty I would put him straight. I'd say thanks for noticing but I'm not into all that gay stuff. It's just a load of arsing around isn't it?. I think I'd then go home and tell my wife that she's got a bit of competition, and she better stay top of her game.

I don't think I'd put in a formal complaint and activate my army of lawyers for compensation. But it seems that's what happens these days.

Don't get me wrong harassment can be devastating, but the type of nasty scheming people who do this are hardly going to watch a quick presentation and think 'I didn't know I couldn't do that' These people know exactly what they are doing and deserve to be punished. In the mean time all us normal people have to sit through crap powerpoint presentations and are then too scared to fart if there's a woman in the room.

hooray for the weekend

At last it's Saturday time to kick back and whittle some.

Been up early and into town, the parking situation in Lincoln sucks balls. If your not in town before 10am you end up driving around for ages looking for a space. Even when you've found a space you still need a second mortgage to pay the fee's. If you want to park for a long time it's cheaper to just abandon your car and buy a new one to go home.

I know all you tree huggers will say that high parking fee's are environmental and encourage public transport, but that's plums. All the money goes straight into the council coffers and none of it translates to a more effective public transport system. Also have you tried carrying 75Kg of laminate floor home on the bus. It nearly broke my 5 year old son's back.

Why Daniel Craig in the picture? I've just seen the newest trailer for Casino Royale it looks excellent. I know the nerds didn't fancy him as Bond but he comes across really well in the trailer. He's got that ruthless killer agent thing down pat. Much better than your grandad running around in a leopard print safari suit ala Roger Moore. No disrespect but after Live and Let Die the best thing on screen in the Moore films was usually the car or the girls.

You can see the trailer here

That's assuming it's not 2012 when your reading this and if it is, am I still around?

Playstation 3 Delayed.

Grrrrr I'm mildly annoyed by todays news. Why?

Well once again European gamers get the shaft from the big electronics companies. The PS3 won't be under any british xmas trees this year.

We won't see it until April 2007 and that's if it doesn't slip again it's already slipped twice. It plays right into the hands of Microsoft here as the 360 will get a xmas boost with no other hi-def rival.

Nintendo may well be laughing as well with the launch of the Wii in Europe for xmas. Although to be fair, Nintendo have often treated UK gamers as second class citizens as well.

With Gears of War coming at the end of the year and Halo3 looming next year it looks like King of the Geeks - Bill Gates will be winning this console war.

I'd probably opt for the Xbox 360 just for Halo, thats if Mrs L was willing to loosen the purse strings. The little kid in me (oo-er) is also dying to get my hands on that Wii with it's natty Buck Rogers controller wand.

Xmas it's so exciting.

Crikey mate

I cant believe it Steve Irwin has croaked it.

I think secretly we all used to watch and nod knowingly thinking one day a croc is gonna eat him. Instead it was a sting ray that got him in what they are calling a freak accident.

I feel sorry for his wife and kids like, but I suppose he died doing what he liked.

It could have been worse he could have died on the toilet or choked on a peanut or something.

He's probably up there now showing Evil Knievil how to wrestle alligators.

Wait a minute Evil's not dead.

Load of rubbish

I went to the tip today to get rid of a load of rubbish from my garage. Mainly cardboard and an old table and chairs. (just in case you fancy some bin diving.)

I always find a trip to the tip slightly depressing and I think it's for a variety of reasons. One of them being that I'm usually throwing something away that cost me a lot of money. You tend to visit the tip with big stuff like furniture, and you can't help but remember how much it cost you ten years ago.

My other tinge of sadness is the fact that I see people throwing things out that I would like to have. However I'm not making a pikey of myself by climbing in and fishing stuff out of the giant skips. Well not in broad daylight anyway.

The other thing is the sense of waste, when I see the mountains and mountains of crap we all throw away, I feel slightly guilty. I don't know why I feel guilty but I blame the government and media for this. The current green message is being forced down our throats and your made to feel like an environmental thug if you throw rubbish away. Apparently your now classed as an evil bio-terrorist if you don't have energy saving lightbulbs, whittle your own clogs or drink your own recycled piss.

Balls to that. In the good old days we just turned all our rubbish into bombs and dropped them on our enemies. Maybe I could drop my old dining suite on the taliban. It might not do much but it's cheap and at least they have somewhere to eat their roast goat dinner on a Sunday.

All this global warming is pretty bad for the planet but why should I drive around on an electric scooter when America carries on porking it's way through half of the world's resources. I'd just be pissing in the wind.

Or should that be windmill?

Royal Visit

I've been to Windsor to see the Queen

Unfortunately she wasn't there, I'm a bit dissapointed really. I would have hoped that Aunty Betty would have been there to greet one of her war veterans. Ah well maybe she was busy making frozen yorkshire puddings.

I must say though she did have an amazing gaff. My personal favourite was the waterloo chamber a whole big room dedicated to the kicking of the frenchies arses at some battle, I forget which one :) . It was mucho impressive with pictures of the generals and various other cling-ons making guest star appearances. There was a picture of the pope in there for god's sake, I don't remember him firing many cannons or swinging on ropes during the battle.

There also a similar project starting soon. I beleive that they are opening a toilet in the west wing dedicated to the liberation of Iraq, could just be a rumour

The place has certainly been spruced up well since that little fire (insurance job) a few years ago, well done ma'am.

We also went to legoland, that was great fun, but it was chocker. Someone in Denmark is making a shit load of cash from that little doozy. The rides where excellent but they pull your pants down over the prices of all the food drink and toys. Still the kid's had a ball so it was worth it.

It was a long drive home though after a full day, hooray for coffee and tom-tom.

The trouble with birthdays

The problem with birthdays is your getting older a year at a time.

Birthdays are great especially when your a kid. It was Cam's birthday yesterday he was 10. We had a great day there was cake, prezzies, a trip to the pictures and loads of pizza for tea. He's now the proud owner of an iPod and more disposable income than me.

Birthday's also make you think. I can't beleive how fast time is flying. I will be 37 this year that's nearly 40, I remember getting pissed at my Dad's 40th birthday party that'll be me in 3 years. I'm starting to get spooked by my own mortality. Whilst your under 30 you feel indestructable and you're going to live forever. Now I'm edging towards 40 I'm feeling a lot more mortal. I now find myself taking pleasures in the smaller things in life like a nice cup of tea or some comfy england underpants (thanks mum).

Ah well nothing lasts forever, except for maybe old carrier bags, Cliff Richard and cans of Netto lager at a party.

In the beginning

I've started a blog.

Why?

Because I can. So here it is my first entry, lets hope over the years I can fill it with the kind of shash other people actually want to read.



I personally think blogging is just masturbation for the ego, like I'm that important people want to read what I had for my tea or care about my thoughts on the environment.

There you go quite deep for a first entry.

See you again soon, if I can be arsed.